Learning to Love (Again?)

“Motherly love is the unconditional affirmation of the child’s life and [her] needs.”     ~Erich Fromm

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I grew up, but I was not raised. Although I desperately wanted to be raised, there was nothing in me that could cause my father to stay in my life or my mother to devote her life to the welfare of her young children. As a child, I longed for family, structure and a safe place to sleep at night; however, not even my longing was enough to make those things a reality. The closest I came to family and stability was on Thursday nights at 8:00; for thirty minutes, I could pretend that Heathcliff and Claire Huxtable were my parents;  I also could pretend that I was a good student and a respectable girl– a girl worthy of somebody’s love. Although I was none of those things, I kept pretending. 

The act of pretending helped me cope with myriad difficult circumstances. I could successfully ignore the boyfriends that my mother moved in and out of our apartments–and our lives; I could keep myself sane by refusing to admit that my virginity was a figment of my imagination. I could stay out of most trouble by raging against the bleak nature of my real life, and I could live vicariously through the characters I met in my stolen books. My best act of defiance against my pitiful life was to find a mother in every strong, attractive, educated woman I met. But, because naming a new mother was another form of pretense,  my expectations soon bred disappointment– again and again. 

Not being loved (or parented) by either of my parents fostered in me a deep longing to be loved, protected and cherished.  I have learned, after years of nursing this unfulfilled longing, that I am responsible for giving and receiving mature love. Erich Fromm, in his tome The Art of Loving, says, “mature love follows the principle: I need you because I love you, ” and not “I love you because I need you.”

To be continued…